Loving someone with an addiction is hard. You may feel angry, scared, tired and hopeful, all in the same week. You may wonder what you did wrong, or whether anything you do will help. Many of us know this pain in our own families.
There is a story about a man who was stuck for a very long time.
The man by the pool
In Jerusalem there was a pool called Bethesda, surrounded by covered porches. Many sick people lay there: people who were blind, who could not walk, whose bodies did not work.
People believed that when the water moved, the first person into the pool would be healed. Later copies of John's account add a line saying an angel stirred the water. That line is not in the oldest copies we have. What all the copies agree on is that sick people waited there for the water to move.
One man had been sick for thirty-eight years. Jesus saw him lying there and knew he had been that way a long time. So he asked him a question: "Wilt thou be made whole?" Do you want to get well?
I have no one
The man's answer is one of the saddest sentences in the Bible.
The impotent man answered him, Sir, I have no man, when the water is troubled, to put me into the pool: but while I am coming, another steppeth down before me.
John 5:7 · King James VersionThe original Greek
ἀπεκρίθη αὐτῷ ὁ ἀσθενῶν· Κύριε, ἄνθρωπον οὐκ ἔχω ἵνα ὅταν ταραχθῇ τὸ ὕδωρ βάλῃ με εἰς τὴν κολυμβήθραν· ἐν ᾧ δὲ ἔρχομαι ἐγὼ ἄλλος πρὸ ἐμοῦ καταβαίνει.
Found in Papyrus 66 (about AD 200), Papyrus 75 (about AD 200), Codex Vaticanus (about AD 325), Codex Sinaiticus (about AD 350).
Verse 4 in the King James Version, about an angel stirring the water, is not in the oldest copies. This verse, the man's own words, is.
He did not have anyone. Every time, someone else got there first. Thirty-eight years.
Jesus told him to get up, pick up his mat and walk. And the man did.
Ways to help
Do not shame them. Shame keeps people hidden. Most people with an addiction already feel terrible about themselves.
Learn about it. Addiction changes how the brain works. It is not only a matter of willpower.
Help them find real help. Doctors, treatment programs and recovery groups save lives. In the United States, the helpline run by SAMHSA, a government health agency, 1-800-662-4357, is free and open all day and night.
Set boundaries with love. You can refuse to give money or cover up for them and still love them. Boundaries protect you both.
Stay in touch. Recovery often takes more than one try. Let them know you will still be there.
Take care of yourself. Groups like Al-Anon exist for family members. You need support too.
Be the one they have
"I have no man" does not have to be the end of anyone's story. Jesus noticed the man everyone else walked past. If you love someone who is stuck, you can be the person who stays. That is real mercy, even on the days it does not look like it is working.